I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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