Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I love having hate sex.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
