im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
