Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
