Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
