Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
