she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
