my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
