at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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