I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
