I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
