i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
