my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
