I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
