Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
