I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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