How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
