Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
