I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
