I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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