im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
