It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
