Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
