i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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