Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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