We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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