Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
