Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
