If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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