I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
