did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
