then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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