Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
