god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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