So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
