His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Green mimosas i think yes
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
