My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize