If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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