The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
