had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Sober January is a disaster.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
