My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
