he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
