420 ftw
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
