Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
