I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
