He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
