just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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