Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
