She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
