So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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