dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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