i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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