I just threw up on my dentist
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize