i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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