My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There r osticjed everywhere
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
