How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
