Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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