Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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