Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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