Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Two words: nipple clamps
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