My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
