My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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