Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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